Saying Goodbye to 2014

A friend asked me today how I was feeling. The truth was, I was feeling AND thinking a lot, which is par for the course. However, I have always found myself being much more introspective at the end of the year. I have a feeling I’m not alone.

As the year comes to a close and we anticipate the coming year, there is so much to reflect on. I’m not a regular “journaler” – but over the last 10+ years I’ve found myself writing down reflections at the end of the year. It’s amazing to look back at journal entries isn’t it? To see how we spent so much time worrying about something and to see how it all worked itself out. Or how things seemed to unfold in new and unexpected ways, often for the best even if we found ourselves unsure initially.

Looking back on what I wrote for the end of 2013, I was ready to move on and for the year to be over. It was a year of tragedy, loss, and grief with the passing of two people only weeks apart. I spent the rest of the year reeling trying to make sense of it. At the end of the year, I wrote this thought down: “If we are going to heal, we must find something meaningful that came to us because of our tragedies.” I knew that this wouldn’t be something that happened overnight, it would take time – probably a lifetime - but having this realization and being open to something bigger helped to live into my new reality. 

Last year I wrote down that 2014 would be the year of travel. Sometimes the best way to get out of your comfort zone, being open to change, and learning more about yourself and others is through getting away and being immersed where you are. Travel makes us modest; it is in the travel that we realize how small we really are. Reflecting back on this year, that is exactly what has happened. I started out the first two weeks of the year in Vietnam and Cambodia, followed through on a promise I made and raced in the Crescent City Classic 10K in New Orleans over Easter, took the time to get away for a week in San Francisco, spent almost three weeks renovating a kitchen with a team with Tijuana Christian Mission, conquered the white waters of West Virginia, and traveled back to Tijuana to celebrate their 50 years in ministry. I probably should write more about these experiences, but that seems like “future Kate’s” problem and a tease to always have you checking back, wanting more.

It was in those trips and in this year that I realized I had to re-learn (and even un-learn) some things. Each of these trips I found myself writing things down that I wanted to remember. It was a time of renewal but also of healing. 

1. As this year comes to a close, I realize how important it is to just get away. I have always felt this way, but living out a change of place and a change of pace offers a change of perspective was truly experienced. 
2. I also re-learned how important it is to actually be present and not be so rushed or hurried. It is in those moments of “being where your feet are” that we are able to truly have holy conversation and experiences.  I realized how often I missed those moments before, but being present started to become a priority. I definitely haven't mastered it yet, but I'm aware of it now.
3. I've also come to the conclusion that I will only surround myself with good people in my personal time. Time has become quite the commodity hasn't it? Why waste your time with people who are not life-giving or continue with one-sided relationships? 
4. As silly as this sounds, I also realized my need to “un-learn” that everything I do has to be BIG or it doesn’t mean anything. Taking on or doing the big things is great, but I realized this year that it is the little acts and changes over time that make a lasting impact on yourself and the people around you. An evolution vs. resolution if you will? And if you've spent any time with me at all you know the "correct" answer to that question is "and I will". :)
5. I also re-learned that I should never, ever give up on myself. All too often we are our own worst critic, I'm continually learning to be easier (and nicer) to myself. 
6. The idea of saying "yes" has also been reemphasized throughout this year. Not only personally, but professionally. It has allowed me to take huge risks and so far, they have all paid off.
7. Finally, and maybe the most important lesson that I've come to discover in 2014 is to never stop talking about loved ones who have died. It keeps them alive, it honors them, and it will never stop hurting, but denying them only denies the importance they played and continue to play in our lives.

Dreaming about the future, I’m already naming 2015 as the year where I truly live into being “a student of life”. Spending the last 4 years in seminary and most of my life in the classroom, I’m looking forward to seeing what a life of learning looks like everyday. A few years ago at the end of the year, I said that I wanted to learn one new thing a day. While I think that did happen, it will be a disciplined practice to actually be intentional about it, write it down, and perhaps incorporate it.  That’s just one example of what I believe being a “student of life” will look like for me in 2015.

I know I’m speaking in generalities rather than specifics, but I’m not used to sharing these thoughts and feelings publicly. Plus, I don’t think being specific is important, but the idea of reflecting back on your past and dreaming about your future is. Hopefully if this isn’t an end of year practice for you already, you will take some time in the next week to reflect on 2014 and think about what could be in store for you in 2015. Happy New Year!